I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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