yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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