I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
