I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
