Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
