glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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