Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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