Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
