my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
