I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
