I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
