My sheets look like a crime scene.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
