Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
