my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm getting married
To pizza
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
