sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
