a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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