Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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