we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i believe in u and ur pee
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
