I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
