i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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