the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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