Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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