sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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