A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
