Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
