I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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