My room smells like vodka and shame
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
