note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
