did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
tell your sister to shave her snatch
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
