I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
