I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
