I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
