I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My vagina just clenched in fear
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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