I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This is the high leading the old right now
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
