but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
