Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
