Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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