i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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