dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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