If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
