wakey wakey hands off snakey
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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