I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she peed on how many people?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
