The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
