There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
