Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
