Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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