Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
