The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
