I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
