I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am naked and annoyed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
