I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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