Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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